I Think I Married the Wrong Person Part 5: What Holds Me Back

A guest post by Heidi Dennis 


In the last post, I told you that I would put my vulnerability pants on and let you in on what holds me back in my own marriage.  It is something that seems to come up in every argument.  When I think about this one thing holding me back, I find that I don’t like what I see very much.  In fact, I find that I don’t like myself very much.

Goodness, there are probably a million things going through your mind right now trying to figure it out.  Is she a closet shop-a-holic?  Does she secretly moonlight as a lounge singer?  I might as well tell you.  The main thing that holds me back in my marriage is my own insecurity.

Let me explain…let’s say my husband and I get into an argument.  As I mentioned in an earlier post, he is very good with words and very quick to know how he feels about something.  I, on the other hand, take a while to figure out what is bothering me and why.  So, Mike is able to say pretty quickly when something I have done hurts him.  When he tells me this, I immediately feel HORRIBLE.  In any normal person, this would lead them to make amends.  Not me.  I feel so bad that I proceed to defend myself.  Did you catch that?  My husband is hurting.  Something that I did hurt him and instead of apologizing, I go into all of the reasons why I did what I did, why it wasn’t my intent, etc.  That, my friend, is insecure.

Another way that I have seen insecurity show up when I’m counseling others is when they feel insecure about their own decisions.  We talked about it in the earlier post about doubt.  Imagine feeling so insecure about yourself that you question every decision you’ve made- even your decision about who to marry.  This happens a lot for those who married young.  OF COURSE you’re going to question your decisions when you are young.  I take one look at old pictures of myself with a perm and I know this is true (I was called “mushroom head” for the record so you can only imagine the shape that my perm took).  Just because you question your life choices when you were younger (or whenever you made these decisions) it doesn’t mean that you made the wrong choice.  You are both changing and morphing into different people anyway.  The most important thing is spending enough time and investment in each other that you are growing together and not apart (and this does take time and investment).

I’ve also seen insecurity come up in the form of walls.  Sometimes we feel so insecure about ourselves that we put up walls to keep others out.  This can be as mild as making your own decisions about family matters without including your spouse to the severe range of extreme isolation.  I have seen some go straight to their “safe place” in their room and let the rest of the family fend for themselves.

No matter what your battle with insecurity may look like, at the end of the day, we are stronger together.  If we don’t let others in (whether they are offering support or feedback) we will never be stronger and we will never grow.  Consider your partners intent.  That’s one thing that always comes up in my marriage- “Assume positive intent”.  This can carry you a long way.  Could it be that your spouse perhaps wants to help you or make your life easier by the feedback they are giving and they are not saying that you are a complete moron?  Could be…

So, over the past few posts, we have talked about doubts, seasons, personality differences, and even science.  But, what if you really did marry the wrong person?  We will talk more about that next time.

So, what about you?  Where have you seen insecurity come up in your marriage?  If not insecurity, has something else that you struggle with gotten in the way?  It’s YOUR turn to be vulnerable…take a chance and comment below or join the conversation at https://m.facebook.com/heidid831/

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